2015: A Year of (Hopeful) Renewal

I have never liked the concept of New Year's resolutions. They always seem fleeting, and full of good intentions, but it always seems like follow-through is lacking. Nevertheless, the New Year always brings for me the hope of renewal: a symbolic wiping of the slate and the chance to try again this year. I don't want to begin this year full of hope and disappoint myself again, so I'm trying something new.

This year, I want to accomplish concrete, achievable goals.

In the past, my New Year's hopes have been either vague or heavily dependent on my ability to (successfully) build new habits. The problem of vagueness is perhaps evident: how do you know what you've achieved if you don't know what you set out to achieve? The problem of habit-building is perhaps less clear. I am habitually bad at building new habits.

So this year, I've made myself a list of goals: things that I can check off a list and say, hooray, I've done it! And maybe achieving these (not always) small things will help me achieve a larger goal: self-betterment.

Truth is, I have been suffering—mentally, physically, and spiritually—for a long time, and that suffering has shaped the way I view and interact with the world around me. Although I have accomplished great things in the past few years, I feel like I accomplished those things despite myself. I struggled through divinity school; I barely read half of what I was assigned, I took two complete semesters pass/fail (or in div school parlance, credit/no credit), and for several months I was present in name only. Mentally, I was struggling to stay with it. I almost dropped out.

Interestingly, when I graduated, I decided to go on to more school. I believed that I had learned my lesson and would be able to change myself for the better. And in many ways, I did. I read more of what I was assigned, I took classes that created a cohesive course of study, I worked really hard at my thesis. And then I started spring semester, and all of that drive I had in the fall disappeared. Once again I was stuck in that place I had been when I had been at Yale. I barely finished my thesis in time; I took an extension and missed out on walking at graduation. But I did it! I graduated!

Since then, I've felt no relief. I struggle daily with anxiety and depression. My medication doesn't seem to help. I have excellent intentions and no follow-through.

So my goal this year is to achieve that follow-through. I need to get my life back on track with where I want to be. Five years from now? I want to be in a PhD program, studying to be a pastoral/spiritual counselor. My checklist for this year is (hopefully) going to help me with baby steps towards that goal.

I'm writing this here mostly for personal reasons, so I can look back and see where my mind was at the beginning of this year. But I'm also keeping it public for accountability purposes. Maybe with the help of friends and the vast internet community, I can achieve something for myself this year.

Steps I've already taken

• Signed up for a 28-day self-love class
• Emailed NASW-GA about how I might become a peer counselor

Steps I still need to take

• Obtain my health records from Yale Health so that I can prove my qualification for SSDI
• Submit my application appeal for SSDI
• Make a spiritual commitment to myself
• Start going back to church
• Start regular personal spiritual practices
• Apply to be a volunteer with Skyland Trail, ideally under their pastoral counselor
• Apply for CPE
• Grow my O2 business
• Try for at least 1 Jewelry Bar each month, preferably more
• Sign up for a dance, yoga, or martial arts class
• Begin planning weekly meals in advance and shopping accordingly

Bear with me, y'all, and keep me in your prayers.